melancholy procrastination (the things I hear when I am alone)

I am sitting here.

I should be doing dishes. Or getting a photo ready. I want to forget that the deadline is in 3 hours. I don’t want to actually enter. I just want to be able to extend the myth that I am somehow an artist.

But even with the pieces in mind I would rather let doubt paralyze me. Am I lazy or just afraid of the effort?

I have no rational thing to fear, I seldom do (unless it is window shattering ninjas) that is perfectly normal. I just don’t want to do what I should. Every fiber of my being screams against it.

I don’t want to post this, to type, or even admit it. I know that if I do it creates license for those that love me to try and push me toward doing the things I fear.

Maybe it would. Maybe it wouldn’t.

I would like to use the dishes as an excuse. I would like to use a swimming date as an excuse. Instead I sit here, a little emotional, accomplishing nothing. Resolving nothing. Making mental lists of what I should do. The order I need to complete things in. These lists are always my out because making lists keeps me from accomplishing them.

I will start with aloe. Seems as good a place as any.

Better than contemplating how I have again crafted a situation where each choice makes me a failure to someone, or something.


I guess my title is only half accurate - since alone is not truly possible even when it may feel that way. And I guess my failures aren't as important in the grand scheme as I would like to think they are.

But again I need to stop. Do.