Today has unearthed a fear that I suspect has long been a part of the make up of my heart. I am afraid of success. I fear getting my way because somehow (in my ego that has an unbalanced inflation) I am afraid that I manipulated the situation to 'get my way' at the expense of the overall good.
I don't really have this fear with failure. For some reason I have a pretty comfortable grasp on God's sovereignty over my failures and that if he thwarts my will it is for the good of his purposes both in my life and the kingdom in general. Somewhere along the way I got a strange disconnect that doesn't acknowledge God's equal sovereignty over any 'success' I find. His sovereignty isn't just a comfort in the junky times, his purposes WILL stand.
I am neither good NOR bad enough to thwart his will, just like I am not bad enough to be beneath his saving power or good enough not to need it. That sort of power does not exist in human grasp.
I can't say for sure what this silly disconnect reveals about me, other than again highlighting that my view of God can be too little, my understanding of his love to juvenile and my perception of my ability to out maneuver him completely inflated.
Interestingly enough a reggae talked how "he's got the whole world in his hands" at work today. And this afternoon I am reading Psalm 4 which reminds the reader to "Offer right sacrifices and put your trust in the Lord" and ends with a picture of peace in the midst of hardship (even perhaps the hardship of having what you wanted).
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